Thursday, July 19, 2007

Alone?

Okay. So, the reason that I have this blog ... besides talking about fun and humerus things ... is to also talk about things that bother me ... or things that I've experienced. (As long as they aren't boring stupid things like what I do every day).

I havn't told anyone this. Well, actually ... I've mentioned it to Aaron and I've mentioned it to Jessica ... neither read the blog ... nor will they ever probably will read the blog. I'm not sure why I dreamed this last night. Normally, when it happens ... it's because something is pressing on me ... or I'm stressed out about something ... and He usually always makes me feel better. I honestly don't know what to think about this.

Maybe, I guess ... I should start from the beginning:

A long time ago, when I was sixteen ... I dated this guy, Ryan. Even though we only dated for three months, which hell ... was basically a lifetime for some people back in high school, We were always pretty close after that. We could tell each other anything, he would sometimes come over even after we weren't together and we'd talk almost all night long. I guess that I can say that he was my first "Love." I lost my virginity to him, and like they always say "He will always have a place in your heart" and he does. He was a real great guy ... he just was kind of in with the wrong crowd. He was very smart, funny, and really good looking ... but the pull of his friend's and drugs pulled us further and further apart, even after we were already broke up. But weeks or maybe even months later, he'd come back around and we'd spend some time with each other again.

My senior year of high school that all changed ... and I can remember almost exactly everything that happened leading up to the news ... and hours after the fact. I had gotten up early, had even put makeup on ... which was a serious rarity. I found a good parking spot at school ... and was making my way in when a couple of people that I was mutually friends with came out of the doors to the school. I smiled and waved to Jon and his face immediately dropped and he muttered, "Oh Rachel." He stopped me from walking inside and starting telling me what had happened. "Ryan got into a car accident last night, Rachel." "Well, is he okay?" ... "No, No ... he's not. Rachel, Ryan is dead." I remember saying "Oh. Okay." and pushed past them making my way back into the hallway. I went straight to my locker, grabbed the books that I was going to need for the my first few classes and went to my first class, an Aide Period with Mrs. Knight. The class had just began ... and I quietly walked in and set my books down, sat down at her desk and let out a sigh. She immediately said "I'll be right back class ... and quickly moved through the classroom, took me by the hand and led me outside. I immediately started crying with her arms wrapped around me as she muttered soothing things. Eventually she told me that my friends were looking for me, and told me to wait in the other room until they got there. The day carried on ... I stayed in school even though alot of people that I didn't think should have went home did. I attended the funeral, and was actually asked to sit with Ryan's Dad and Florenda and their kids. I was fine throughout the funeral and the burial and everything. It wasn't until I got home that night that I sat and cried and cried and cried for one of my best friends.

Now for the relevance of this story:
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm completely insane. But I honestly don't care what you think of me. Every day of my life ... I think about Ryan. Every single day. Whether it's a song that I hear on the radio that he always liked, a song that I think that he would like, a movie that we watched together .... whatever it is ... I always think of him. Eventually, I started dreaming about him ... I would dream that he would come and sit on the bed and I would sit up and he would tell me that "He was fine, that everything was okay, that he was taken care of, and that he loved me." But once I moved up to Spring ... the dreams became more real. I started dreaming that we would have long conversations about things that were going on in my life. I told him about getting married, I explained how things were really stressful and all the different reasons why. He would make me laugh, he would tell me that everything was okay, and that he was extremely happy for me. Every time I wake up from a dream with him in it ... I smile.

Until last night:
Last night ... I kept looking for Ryan. I was dreaming about the spots that we always meet at. He recently has begun showing up in a pool or a beach like setting, and we sit on lounge chairs and watch the water while we laugh and talk. But he wasn't there. He never showed up at all. The entire dream was me trying to find him and not being able to ... and I woke up with tears in my eyes and a knot in the pit of my stomach.

What does that mean?


6 comments:

Christy Jo said...

Man oh man. Sigh. It's hard to know where to start. I miss Ryan and think about him almost every day. You and Ryan had an amazing relationship and intimacy together. We all shared some amazing times together, and no one believed more in him than we did.

Sometimes I get angry with him. Still. I don't understand why he didn't believe in himself as much as we did. I don't understand why he made the decisions he made. Then I get mad at myself for getting mad at him, and then just feel like a big goof.

Ryan once picked up a sequin he found backstage at theatre and told me that for us, a sequin would be code for, "I love you." I still find sequins in the most random places, places no sequin belongs. I always think of him, and this peaces just covers me, and I know that everything will be fine.

I don't know what your dream means, or if it means anything at all. I'm sorry this dream didn't deliver the comfort you usually can get from being with him while you're sleeping. Try not to be anxious about it; just let your dreams be your dreams and even if you can't see and talk to him in your sleep, he's always watching over you.

Mrs. Amanda Doiron said...

Ok, maybe I’m crazy ... but this is what I think:

Don’t think of it as a bad thing. Maybe this is his was of telling you that as much as you enjoy these memories with him ... it’s time to move on. You don’t need him anymore ... You have Aaron. He’s there for you through everything ... and you’re going to marry him in 20-something days. He is now there to take over as your confidant. That’s what a marriage is all about, Aaron should be the person you talked to about what you did today, or what’s stressing you out, or what your dreams and aspirations are. Maybe this is his way of passing you onto him. I know Aaron can NEVER replace Ryan, and that Ryan always will (and should) hold a special place in your heart, but this is your (and Ryan’s) way to say its time to move on ... and have this special bond with Aaron and Aaron only.

I hope this doesn’t upset you, that’s the last thing I want for it to do, but maybe that’s what it is ... It’s Ryan’s way of saying it’s ok ...

fukuto.jones said...

Maybe it simply means that it is time to move on?

Aggie said...

It's defintely a "time to move on in your life" moment.
And it shows very clearly that true friendship never dies ... and what a special thing it's been to have.

Sheryl said...

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way


But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

--Gary Allen--

Chris said...

The meaning of your dream is obvious. You are making room in your heart for someone new. It does not mean you are crazy at all. It seemed very healthy and natural.

I do not know you, but I would guess from your story that you might feel some guilt about not being able to find him anymore, and if so I think this would be normal, too. Having new relationships are not betrayals of old relationships.
If I am off base here, just ignore what I wrote.