Sunday, May 31, 2009

In a Rut

I am ... I am ...

I find that nothing that I want to say is worth saying sometimes. So, that's why nothing has been said in ages.

I graduated. Yay. However, I can't help but think how much of a waste going to school really is ... when you can't even find a job in your field. Or, when you apply and you apply and you apply and no one even acknowledges all of your work. I know that if they would just call me back ... they'd love me.

I've lost 32 lbs since the last time that we've talked. However, it hasn't really made me any happier, or made my sex life any better ... which is ultimately why I did it in the first place. I thought that it would make ME happier ... but honestly, I need the positive re-enforcement and the feedback and I'm not just not getting it.

I bought a new car ... an 09 Scion TC RS 5.0. It's number 74 of 2000 made. It's beautiful and amazing and I love it. I think that Aaron is jealous ... Lame.

So, months later and I'm still jobless, struggling with conflicting feelings, but with a cooler car. Hm.

However, maybe I am happier and I just don't realize it? I let the "three year anniversary" of my mom's death come and go ... and didn't even think about it until the next day. That must mean I'm "good" right? That's what I keep telling myself.

However, I also have to think about the fact that my mother kept telling me that depression and bi-polar disorder is a genetic disorder ... and that she was fine until her mid-twenties as well.

Is this the road that I'm headed down? I'd like to think that I'm stronger than that ... I'd like to think that.

I'm on a new kick with the books that I'm reading. Creepy books. The Girl Next Door, American Psycho (which Link apparently didn't like because he ate the cover off of it today) ... they were all on this top 10 list of creepiest books ever read ... I'm working my way through the list ... they are definitely Effed Up. Books that I'd never read again ... but they are good. They keep me interested.

You know ... this is a blog ... and yet I still censor myself. Weird.


Anyway, these are the things that are going through my head this morning at 1:04 AM. -Sigh-