Letters to the ones I've loved and lost

Dearest Ryan,

Hey friend. After your sudden accident … I was strong until we buried you on that cold afternoon. Then I lost it. You were my best friend. I loved our late night conversations when you would sneak into my bedroom all hours of the night. Good times, hm?
I knew the things that you were doing. Who knows, maybe I could have talked you out of it. I don’t know. But, I knew... And I disagreed. But, you were your own person and the more I think about it the more I don’t think that anyone could have stopped your reckless behavior.
I think about you often. In fact, I used to dream about you constantly. Us, sitting on beach chairs (which is weird because we never went to the beach together) and me telling you all about my life while you listened with a smile on your face. And then you weren’t there anymore … right before I got married. Aaron says that it’s because he thinks that you are letting me go so that he can take care of me now. Is that it? If so, thanks for taking care of me for those few years … I appreciate it.
I remember that conversation that we had a long time ago … you know … the one where you said that you just KNEW you were going to die young. How did you know, Ryan? How?
I pray that you didn’t hurt when it happened. I pray that you didn’t know. But, I’ve heard otherwise … and that makes my heart beat fast and my palms get sweaty just thinking about you in that kind of pain. But, I know that you aren’t in pain now, right?
You saved lives, by the way. Your group of friends … on that path of destruction? Not anymore. Some went to college. They are holding down jobs. They are doing really well for themselves. Some even have families. I believe that it was because of you. They realized that their own destructive behavior wasn’t working … that they weren’t really immortal. That they could die too. That they could take too many pills. That they could fall asleep at the wheel. That they could wrap their car around that tree. That they could catch on fire. That they could miss out on living life.
Your family is doing well. I baby sat Sweet sweet Gabby and Cammy a few times after I graduated. Gabby didn’t remember me at first … but once she did, she used to curl up in my lap for us to watch television together. Cammy has your room now … and my heart used to pound each time I would go to lay her down. You know who else is doing well? Daniel. I was extremely worried about him after you left. He started wearing signs on his shirt that said things like “Drugs are Good” and I worried like crazy. “Why would he want to follow in his footsteps?” I would ask Jessica. She couldn’t understand it either. Then all of a sudden, he’s graduating with honors and has a full ride to a college in Dallas. I’m so proud of him … and he looks just like you … it’s scary.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how things were going. I wanted to share with you the things that I feel. I want to wish you well. I want to tell you that I love you … with sequins. (I still find random sequins in random places, like in my jeans pockets after a wash … is that you?)

Love Always,
Your Angel


January 22, 2003

--Stay tuned for more letters --

Letter to my 14 year old self

Hello you,

I know that this might be a little awkward to you … what with finding a letter from your significantly fatter, ten year older self … but listen. All of the mistakes that you are going to make within the next few years should not be changed. They will make you into the beautiful woman that you will become. Here is just a few pointers:

You are about to meet an amazing young man that will change your life forever. He is smart, funny, and extremely good looking. He’ll sweep you off your feet and shatter your heart … all in a matter of three months. But he is worth it. Hold on to all of the feelings that he makes you feel, all of the emotions that he causes, and all of the dreams that he helps build. You’ll lose him in a couple of years, no … don’t be afraid, don’t cry, it’s OK. He saves so many other peoples lives that were on the same path as his.

Don’t get all obsessed with who’s friends with who and which friends betray which friends. You are still going to be best friends with the ones that you are best friends with now. We still love each other dearly. The mistakes of high school are silly and irrelevant now.

Ignore your weight issues. You are not fat. Eat healthy. Get out there and exercise. Start making good decisions now … your 24 year old self will appreciate it.

In a few years you are going to get into an argument with your Mawmaw. Please kiss her good bye before you leave. Even if you are mad. Call her the next day. Please. Because that will be the last time that you will see her. It’s going to hurt so much … but maybe if you add that kiss and call it will be a little better.

There is this guy that you are going to date. He might seem great. He might seem wonderful. He is not. But even though he is not great … you are still going to waste over two years with him. Can’t change that. Don’t need to … because the things that he makes you go through, the feelings that you feel when he is drunk and angry are things that help you move on and find the man that you will be married to … so once again, it’s worth it. Without this one … you wouldn’t rush into the loving and amazing arms of the next one …

As for Aaron … dear sweet Aaron … I can’t tell you much that you won‘t figure out quickly. He is so easy to love! Just love him every day more than the last. I’m doing that now and it’s working out just fine.

I know that I mentioned earlier that I didn’t want you to change anything … but I do. Just one thing. Love mom. Call mom. Help mom. She is sick. She is very sick. She needs you to help her and be a constant in her life. This isn’t going to change anything really. You are still going to lose her. But, you will not have taken her for granted. Let me tell you right now that it is SO hard to deal with her death right now. I miss her so very much and I am so afraid that she doesn’t/didn’t know how I felt about her. So please, call her. Don’t be embarrassed of her. Bring Aaron around her … introduce her to his family. You’ll find out … they love everyone, even when they have faults.

This is a lot of information to absorb … I know that. But take it in … you are going to be fine. You are going to cry a lot … but you are going to laugh even more. And let me tell you … life is great. You are going to love it.

I love you,
Your 24 year old self

Emails: Where is the communication?

In a world where everyone is busy and no one has time for phone calls; emails thrive. Emails are sent out to share recipes, to invite people to parties, to tell someone how you feel about them (albeit in an extremely cheesy forwarding kind of way), to plan events, and apparently to even ask someone to be a part of one of the biggest days of your life: Your Wedding.

A friend of mine is getting married in May of this year and we just went through an ordeal of hurt feelings over email communication ... or lack of.

In December, she sent out emails asking people to be in the house party of her wedding. Somehow or another, I did not receive these emails. Another friend of mine did and text to ask me if I had been asked as well (texting is another issue that I have ... for another day). I did not receive the email and knew that I had already mentioned that it would be OK if I wasn't a part of the wedding because I tend to enjoy the weddings that I attend as a guest more than I enjoy weddings that I attend as a stressed out bridesmaid or other member of the wedding party.

Nearly a month later (yesterday), I called my friend to talk about other things unrelated to the wedding ... mainly related to our new years resolutions. It is during this phone call that she asks me if I want to be in the house party. I tell her "no, thanks ... I'd rather enjoy myself as a guest." And she said "OK." I said this because I had known about the aforementioned email that was sent to a friend of mine weeks before that asked her to be in the house party and it sounded to me like I was simply an after thought.

Today, I received an email from my friend. In it, she explains to me that she has hurt feelings and that she doesn't understand why I do not want to be a part of her wedding. I try to call her once before sending an email back (because honestly, this would have been solved much faster in a phone call to begin with) but she had left her phone at her sister's. I went ahead and sent another email explaining my feelings about not receiving an email ... etc. She replies with the email that was sent to all of the people that she had wanted to be in the wedding ... me included.

I have no idea what happened with the email. I searched through all of my mail and none of the searches pulled up that email. My email has never failed me in the past ... but I guess there is a first time for everything.

Anyway. Feelings unhurt ... but I can't help but wonder how much (if not all) of this could have been fixed by an actual phone call or God forbid even face to face communication. Like I mentioned before ... everyone is busy which is why email thrives as much as it does. However, I know that I personally called all of my bridesmaids, house party members, and even my 5 year old ring bearer to ask them to be a member of my wedding. There was no confusion. There was no missing emails. There was no problems.

So ... take heed ... not everything that you say in an email gets sent ... not everything that you say in an email gets taken the correct way ... not everything sent in an email gets resolved. So come on ... call a friend today! It won't kill you ... I bet that you are a great multi-tasker and can handle a phone and whatever else keeps you busy in a day.

Date night gone sour by lack of respect

Aaron and I started the night with a wonderful dinner at good Ol "Texas Road House." We were seriously craving some steak ... and steak fries :)

After dinner we wanted to go and see Marley and Me. Originally, we were going to go to the Lowes theatre which usually means that we are going to get some crappy seats but have the theatre mostly to ourselves. On our way out, Aaron asked if we could go to a better theatre since we were only seeing one movie.

I looked at the times and Marley and Me was going to be playing at the Tinseltown in front of the mall at 8:45. The Market Street theatre was only playing movies that were being mentioned for awards, so Marley and Me wasn't an option.

Well, we ended up getting finished with dinner at 6:45 so we ended up going to Lowes after all. The theatre was mostly empty. We had to move over a seat because mine was literally half a seat but it wasn't that big of a deal.

Right before the movie began, a group of teenagers came in and sat RIGHT in front of us. To which I said: "Wow, really? Out of the entire theatre ... you guys chose to sit DIRECTLY in front of us?" So ... they kind of moved down just a bit :) And they were mostly quiet ... so it was OK.

But about 15 minutes before the end of the movie, a group of teens came in from another movie and proceeded to talk the entire time! I was disgusted!! I wanted so bad to just throw my liter water bottle at them.

And it made me start thinking ... I was quiet when I was a movie goer as a teen. I said "please" and "thank you" when I was younger (and now) and I always made sure to open doors for people. It just seems that people do not do that these days. Does that mean that the parents aren't teaching their kids manners anymore?

Aaron says that it is because teenagers are just selfish and they do not think of other people. But I don't think it's a selfish thing ... I think it's the way that they are brought up ... and it's sad.

Merry Christmas

I hope that everyone had an amazing Christmas filled with joy, peace, and celebrating the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ.

Ours was wonderful even if we celebrated a few days early. We got to see a lot of family. I got to spend a whole night with my little nephew, Kaleb. He is just the best baby! I love him so much!

I've eaten myself sick nearly every day. January 1st marks the beginning of the "diet" again. Bleh bleh bleh.

Although this is a great and wonderful time of year .. I can only wonder what this new year will bring for us. How many dear friends will we lose this year? How many people will give birth and celebrate life? What job will I get this year? Will we buy a house finally? Will we get pregnant?

2009 has so many possibilities. So what will happen? What do you think will happen in the new year?

What are your resolutions?

Mine ...

- No Cussing
- No Drinking (even wine!) after Feb. 1
- Lose weight (really this year ... really)

I Hate You V.S.

This weekend was the weekend of all weekends for my friend A.D. She is graduating (finally) in December like I will graduate (finally) in May.

We got massages done and went to the cheesecake factory. We got some drinks and had a nice time at home after wards.

But in the middle of that, there was shopping.

We went to the Galleria, which I do not recommend on any day in December. I wanted to go to this new place to get new bras because they alter them for free and they size you correctly. I am astounded by my bra size, 34 H (U.K.) ... 34 K (U.S.). Yeah.

Anyway, I got two new bras that I absolutely love. They make me look so much thinner and make my boobs look AWESOME! So then we go to V.S. (Victoria Effing Secret)

Victoria Secret has been claiming that my boobs have been a size 38 DD for years now. Mainly so that I will some how find a bra that kind of fits me I'm assuming. They never fit correctly. I explain to them that they are too tight here, baggy there, etc. And they simply tell me that that is just the way it is. So, after getting "Holistically" sized at "Intimacy," I suddenly have a hatred for this place called V.S. because it's possible that their incorrect sizing has led to my boob problems to begin with.

But that's not all. They are a bunch of hypocrites.

Those "Angels" that model all of their outfits have huge fake boobs. And yet ... V.S. doesn't make sizes for people with big boobs. And then their workers walk around with an entitled look when you ask for something in an extra large before smirking and replying "No, we don't carry extra large. We only have extra small to large."

I don't need the "extra large" for anything else except to pour my boobs into. The dress/nightgown fit perfectly everywhere else except in the boobs. So how are you going to be a "boob store" that sells sexy lingerie that girls with perfectly skinny bodies and HUGE boobs model ... when in your stores you do not carry sizes that girls with perfectly not so skinny bodies and HUGE boobs can fit said boobs into?

Furthermore, if you have extra SMALL ... how are you going to discriminate the needs of the extra LARGE?

So, Screw you V.S.
Kiss my Huge 34 K'

Five Golden Rings!

I was tagged by my dear blogging friend Jules! I tag ... whoever wants to do this!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper! I love unwrapping presents so very much! I'm not a fan of gift bags at all! Our wrapping paper this year is "Breast Cancer Awareness Themed" It is a pretty silver shiny color with pink ribbons all over it! Aaron even likes it!

2. Real tree or Artificial? I've only ever had an artificial tree. Once we get a house, Aaron says that we can get a real one. However, I'm sure that it is going to be messy and a lot of work ... but it is also going to be AWESOME!

3. When do you put up the tree? We put it up the day after Thanksgiving. It was lighted the next day because we needed to get an extension cord. Unfortunately, Link chewed through the extension cord ... and then he chewed through the light cord. Now we are going to have to get a brand new tree for next year. Hopefully we will by a house by then ... then we can get the REAL tree!

4. When do you take the tree down? The day after new years. Aaron says that that is ENOUGH of tree time!

5. Do you like eggnog? Nope.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Um, I liked all of the presents that I got as a child. But I guess it was probably the Topsy Tail doll I got.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Aaron

8. Easiest person to buy for? Jessica, I always know exactly what to get her!

9. Do you have a nativity scene? No, but I definitely want to get one later!

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, however we aren't able to do them this year because we didn't take a good picture :(

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I don't think that I've ever gotten a bad Christmas card.

12. Favorite/Worst Christmas Movie? The Nightmare Before Christmas or A Christmas Story!

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Since we have moved to Houston, I start early. There is no going to the malls in December ... no way.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I don't think that I have .. but I really want to recycle this serving platter that we got that we can't fit ANYTHING in.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Chicken and Sausage Gumbo!!! FOR SURE!!

16. Lights on the tree? Usually, but like I said before ... not this year since Link ate through the cords.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Mary Did You Know!

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Traveling to Orange the weekend before Christmas. We'll have Christmas at home this year because Aaron will be working.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s? Yes, I can.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? We had a bow last year ... don't have a topper this year.

21. Open presents on Christmas Eve or morning? When I was younger we always talked my grandparents into letting us open them early and then we got unwrapped "santa" presents in the morning. At Aaron's parents ... we open them Christmas morning and it's wonderful!

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Rude people.

23. Favorite ornaments? I like silver and black ones!

24. Stockings? Yes, but I haven't put any up this year because we don't have a Chimney

25. Take turns opening presents? Yes, we get all of our presents in big piles in front of us and then we go around the room opening the gifts one by one so that we can take pictures and ooh and ahh over everyone's gifts!

26. What do you want for Christmas this year? I want new bras and a Charm bracelet!! And Peace and Joy and Happiness!