Letters continued ...

Momma,

I write this letter during a time that I feel better about your death. Just a few weeks ago, I don’t think that I could have gotten through this letter without breaking down into tears. It’s weird. After two years … you think that living without my mom would get easier. It doesn’t.

I mean, what did you ever do for me anyway? All of the things that you said that you would do … usually never happened. Do you know how many times I waited and MawMaw’s and PawPaw’s for you to come by and pick me up, but something else more important came up and you never showed?

For most of my life, I wasn’t the daughter … I was the mother. I had to be the strong one while you fell into your pills and “depression.” That year and a half that I lived with you nearly was my downfall. Dreading the ride home because I never knew if you were going to be still in bed … or if you were going to be bright eyed on the couch waiting to get home and be the mother that you were always supposed to be.

And yet, this is still difficult. Every day, waking up and knowing that you aren’t just a phone call away. When I used to get into an argument with someone, you would always be the one that I could call and you would just agree with everything that I said … whether I was in the wrong or not. I still need that sometimes to this day … and you aren’t there for me.

My brother, your son, just had a beautiful baby boy and he’ll never know his grandma. All because you were so selfish! Why mom? Why? I thought that you were finally getting your life together. We all that you were in a good place in your life, finally … after 38 years of struggling. And then we get that surprise phone call and nothing has been the same since.

Do you know what you are missing out on? Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know how much I want to crawl into your lap like a little girl and smell your smell? I miss being close to you. I miss watching television together. I miss all of our talks. I miss all of our arguments. I miss you so much, it makes my bones hurt. I have this deep ache for you, and I can’t figure out why.

I don’t have the closure maybe. But I don’t know if I will ever have the closure … how can I have closure when I don’t even know what happened or why?

Help me, Momma. Help me to be the woman that you always wanted me to be. Help me to take the hurt that I have and turn it into something that can be productive. Help me to love you without the anger. Help me to miss you without the anger. Help me to get over this grief.

I love you and I miss you more than I ever thought possible,
Your daughter … who is now a wife, an aunt, and a teacher … all things that you never got to see.

Letters continued ...

Dearest MawMaw,

I know that you are living it up right now with your best friends in Heaven, but we miss you down here. I think out of all of the deaths that I have experienced … yours was the easiest. Only because I know that you were really sick, that you were sick of BEING sick, and that you were ready. PawPaw is doing well, he hunts all the time and fishes any chance that he gets. I know that he really likes to do those things and he is able to now. However, sometimes when I walk past his bedroom he is sitting down on you guy’s bed and he has all of your jewelry spread out so that he can touch your wedding rings. I always go in there and let him tell me all of the stories that come with your jewelry, even if I’ve heard them before … it’s nice to let him talk about how much he loves you.

I love you MawMaw, and I wish that I could tell you this in person. I know that you know … but I struggled for a while with this after your death because I was so so so mad at you when I left a few days before you died. I should have learned my lesson then … to treasure all of the time that you have with your loved ones. But then a few years later it happened again with Mom.

Your death was a struggle with our family. It was one of the first times that I saw my Aunt’s true side. But, we won’t get into that. You saw. Anyway, I love you so much and I can’t wait to see you again. Kiss my mom for me …

Love you,
Your little girl

September 22, 2002

Letters to the ones I've loved and lost

Dearest Ryan,

Hey friend. After your sudden accident … I was strong until we buried you on that cold afternoon. Then I lost it. You were my best friend. I loved our late night conversations when you would sneak into my bedroom all hours of the night. Good times, hm?
I knew the things that you were doing. Who knows, maybe I could have talked you out of it. I don’t know. But, I knew... And I disagreed. But, you were your own person and the more I think about it the more I don’t think that anyone could have stopped your reckless behavior.
I think about you often. In fact, I used to dream about you constantly. Us, sitting on beach chairs (which is weird because we never went to the beach together) and me telling you all about my life while you listened with a smile on your face. And then you weren’t there anymore … right before I got married. Aaron says that it’s because he thinks that you are letting me go so that he can take care of me now. Is that it? If so, thanks for taking care of me for those few years … I appreciate it.
I remember that conversation that we had a long time ago … you know … the one where you said that you just KNEW you were going to die young. How did you know, Ryan? How?
I pray that you didn’t hurt when it happened. I pray that you didn’t know. But, I’ve heard otherwise … and that makes my heart beat fast and my palms get sweaty just thinking about you in that kind of pain. But, I know that you aren’t in pain now, right?
You saved lives, by the way. Your group of friends … on that path of destruction? Not anymore. Some went to college. They are holding down jobs. They are doing really well for themselves. Some even have families. I believe that it was because of you. They realized that their own destructive behavior wasn’t working … that they weren’t really immortal. That they could die too. That they could take too many pills. That they could fall asleep at the wheel. That they could wrap their car around that tree. That they could catch on fire. That they could miss out on living life.
Your family is doing well. I baby sat Sweet sweet Gabby and Cammy a few times after I graduated. Gabby didn’t remember me at first … but once she did, she used to curl up in my lap for us to watch television together. Cammy has your room now … and my heart used to pound each time I would go to lay her down. You know who else is doing well? Daniel. I was extremely worried about him after you left. He started wearing signs on his shirt that said things like “Drugs are Good” and I worried like crazy. “Why would he want to follow in his footsteps?” I would ask Jessica. She couldn’t understand it either. Then all of a sudden, he’s graduating with honors and has a full ride to a college in Dallas. I’m so proud of him … and he looks just like you … it’s scary.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how things were going. I wanted to share with you the things that I feel. I want to wish you well. I want to tell you that I love you … with sequins. (I still find random sequins in random places, like in my jeans pockets after a wash … is that you?)

Love Always,
Your Angel


January 22, 2003

--Stay tuned for more letters --

Letter to my 14 year old self

Hello you,

I know that this might be a little awkward to you … what with finding a letter from your significantly fatter, ten year older self … but listen. All of the mistakes that you are going to make within the next few years should not be changed. They will make you into the beautiful woman that you will become. Here is just a few pointers:

You are about to meet an amazing young man that will change your life forever. He is smart, funny, and extremely good looking. He’ll sweep you off your feet and shatter your heart … all in a matter of three months. But he is worth it. Hold on to all of the feelings that he makes you feel, all of the emotions that he causes, and all of the dreams that he helps build. You’ll lose him in a couple of years, no … don’t be afraid, don’t cry, it’s OK. He saves so many other peoples lives that were on the same path as his.

Don’t get all obsessed with who’s friends with who and which friends betray which friends. You are still going to be best friends with the ones that you are best friends with now. We still love each other dearly. The mistakes of high school are silly and irrelevant now.

Ignore your weight issues. You are not fat. Eat healthy. Get out there and exercise. Start making good decisions now … your 24 year old self will appreciate it.

In a few years you are going to get into an argument with your Mawmaw. Please kiss her good bye before you leave. Even if you are mad. Call her the next day. Please. Because that will be the last time that you will see her. It’s going to hurt so much … but maybe if you add that kiss and call it will be a little better.

There is this guy that you are going to date. He might seem great. He might seem wonderful. He is not. But even though he is not great … you are still going to waste over two years with him. Can’t change that. Don’t need to … because the things that he makes you go through, the feelings that you feel when he is drunk and angry are things that help you move on and find the man that you will be married to … so once again, it’s worth it. Without this one … you wouldn’t rush into the loving and amazing arms of the next one …

As for Aaron … dear sweet Aaron … I can’t tell you much that you won‘t figure out quickly. He is so easy to love! Just love him every day more than the last. I’m doing that now and it’s working out just fine.

I know that I mentioned earlier that I didn’t want you to change anything … but I do. Just one thing. Love mom. Call mom. Help mom. She is sick. She is very sick. She needs you to help her and be a constant in her life. This isn’t going to change anything really. You are still going to lose her. But, you will not have taken her for granted. Let me tell you right now that it is SO hard to deal with her death right now. I miss her so very much and I am so afraid that she doesn’t/didn’t know how I felt about her. So please, call her. Don’t be embarrassed of her. Bring Aaron around her … introduce her to his family. You’ll find out … they love everyone, even when they have faults.

This is a lot of information to absorb … I know that. But take it in … you are going to be fine. You are going to cry a lot … but you are going to laugh even more. And let me tell you … life is great. You are going to love it.

I love you,
Your 24 year old self

Ignorance.

I just checked my SAM (University) email account and I had an email from another student (one that I have never met, nor care to meet) telling me that I should vote for Proposition 8.

First, let me remind everyone that I am in the state of Texas. Let me also mention that our proposition 8 has nothing to do with the email that she ignorantly sent out. Our proposition 8 involves clarifying rules on taking out a second mortgage on a house.

The email that she sent out was about Proposition 8 for California. It talks about same sex marriage being taught in schools.

She's an idiot, obviously.

So I sent her an email back:
Johanna,

First things first, I think that you should take into consideration the beliefs of the other university students that you have sent this email to before sending a mass email to every address that begins with a letter "a" on campus.

Personally, I think that you should realize that Proposition 8 in Texas has absolutely nothing to do with this Proposition 8. In fact, this proposition 8 deals with California laws, not ours. Our prop 8 for the state of Texas clarifies rules involved in taking out second mortgages. So, not only has this email that you have sent out probably offended some people, but it also is completely irrelevant to our state issues or propositions. I am a christian woman married to a loving husband, however, I am not afraid of how I will explain same sex marriages to my children. I am not naive enough to believe that my future children will come across an issue or a question involving same sex parents. It's just the way that it is going to be. Instead of passing around insulting emails that force one set of beliefs on other unsuspecting people, perhaps you should try thinking about what you would say to a child if a situation like this is broached. There is no reason to get crazed or upset about something like "same sex marriage", because it is a right that is being given to more people every day. I am not saying that you should embrace it as your own belief at all, however, I do think that you should keep your beliefs to yourself and chose not to send out biased emails in the future.

Once again, this proposition has absolutely nothing to do with our state propositions. So for the most part this is an erroneous email. However, in the future, I hope that you will remember that you could offend other people by sending out your own political views. If you agree with this, fine! But I find it rude and pretentious to think that the other people that you sent this email to has the same views on the matter.

-- Rachel
____________

The Wind Will Be Blowing

Dear Gustav,

As I sit here calmly writing this letter to a Tropical Storm that could turn into a category 3 hurricane by the time it makes land fall, I am sure that people are lining up at the pump and raiding their local walmart for food and water. Hell, that's what I'm supposed to be doing right now via Aaron's orders. But I just wanted to let you know that I'm not afraid of you.

Yeah, you can blow some winds and we can have some rains ... but I live up in the Northern part of Houston and I don't think that there is going to be a problem. Hell, you will probably just hit New Orleans to try and finish them off.

I'm sure it's not your fault. I blame the News for making people so crazy. All they do is track this storm. It's five days from a possible hit at the moment. You aren't even in the Gulf yet! Who knows what is going to happen ... you could see the Gulf Coast's ugly face and run for the hills for all we know at this point.

But, I have a few requests:

If you do hit the gulf coast of Texas in the Port Arthur, Nederland, Beaumont, Orange area ... here are a few things that I think that you should keep in mind.

1. My grandpa is an old man. He likes living by himself and therefore, if you destroy his house ... it would be devastating.
   
2. Amanda does not need any more relocation from a storm. Rita was stressful on Joey and her last time (what with Rita killing Joey's father and all) and they just painted their house. Leave them alone.
3. Don't mess up Jessica's dad's house again. Seriously. They are going through enough right now ... they do not need more house renovations when they are still trying to pay for funeral expenses.
4. For that matter don't mess up Jessica's mom's house either. They are trying to be able to sell that so that they will be able to have money for the boys. Don't mess it up ... I don't think that Jessica could take more stress.
5. Aaron's parent's house had a tree fall on it thanks to your friend Rita. Don't let that happen again. Also, I know that there aren't many trees left on their property after Rita ... but Aaron will not be able to go and help them so please don't make a big mess. They have lives ... and they don't need to deal with a storm.
   

Alright. That sounds good. I don't think that I have much else to request.

So do your thing. Spin your winds. Rain all you want. But take heed of those requests please.

Thanks,
Rachel Allen