Letters continued ...

Momma,

I write this letter during a time that I feel better about your death. Just a few weeks ago, I don’t think that I could have gotten through this letter without breaking down into tears. It’s weird. After two years … you think that living without my mom would get easier. It doesn’t.

I mean, what did you ever do for me anyway? All of the things that you said that you would do … usually never happened. Do you know how many times I waited and MawMaw’s and PawPaw’s for you to come by and pick me up, but something else more important came up and you never showed?

For most of my life, I wasn’t the daughter … I was the mother. I had to be the strong one while you fell into your pills and “depression.” That year and a half that I lived with you nearly was my downfall. Dreading the ride home because I never knew if you were going to be still in bed … or if you were going to be bright eyed on the couch waiting to get home and be the mother that you were always supposed to be.

And yet, this is still difficult. Every day, waking up and knowing that you aren’t just a phone call away. When I used to get into an argument with someone, you would always be the one that I could call and you would just agree with everything that I said … whether I was in the wrong or not. I still need that sometimes to this day … and you aren’t there for me.

My brother, your son, just had a beautiful baby boy and he’ll never know his grandma. All because you were so selfish! Why mom? Why? I thought that you were finally getting your life together. We all that you were in a good place in your life, finally … after 38 years of struggling. And then we get that surprise phone call and nothing has been the same since.

Do you know what you are missing out on? Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know how much I want to crawl into your lap like a little girl and smell your smell? I miss being close to you. I miss watching television together. I miss all of our talks. I miss all of our arguments. I miss you so much, it makes my bones hurt. I have this deep ache for you, and I can’t figure out why.

I don’t have the closure maybe. But I don’t know if I will ever have the closure … how can I have closure when I don’t even know what happened or why?

Help me, Momma. Help me to be the woman that you always wanted me to be. Help me to take the hurt that I have and turn it into something that can be productive. Help me to love you without the anger. Help me to miss you without the anger. Help me to get over this grief.

I love you and I miss you more than I ever thought possible,
Your daughter … who is now a wife, an aunt, and a teacher … all things that you never got to see.

Money money money money ... MONEY

Wow. So it's been a really long time since I've blogged hm. Sorry about that ... during the Thanksgiving holidays I had to write two papers ... and then it just seemed to not stop!

But, I'm in the middle of a study break ... so I'll pass some time with a little bloggity blog blog blog.

During the Thanksgiving holidays I asked people to answer a few questions about what they would do for 2 million dollars.

The results were just as I expected ... a lot of people gave the Sunday School answers.

What triggered these questions was a segment on KRBE 104.1 that talked about how the average amount of money that a person would leave their spouse/significant other for was 2 million dollars. AND that WOMEN were more likely to take the money than men were.

I was shocked by this ... not only that the price to leave the person that you love was so low, but that women would be more apt to take the money than men. So I wanted to see what my friends thought about the whole thing.

No one opted to take the 2 million when it came to leaving your significant other ... mainly because it wouldn't be any fun having that much money if you didn't have that other person to enjoy it with.

Which is good and all ... but what IS the price that you would be willing to leave your significant other for?

A blog about a Honeymoon

Finally, a little bit of a break. Or at least, enough of one for me to actually get a post about the honeymoon in here. I've been busy with homework since I started school the day that we got back from the honeymoon!

Sunday August 12, 2007: We woke up and loaded up our stuff from our hotel and then headed to my grandpa's house to drop off the tuxes and my dress before we drove out to Galveston. While we were there we opened some gifts and chatted with my aunt, cousin, and Pawpaw for a bit. It normally takes about an hour and 20 minutes to get to the Ferry but the ferry line was VERY long and we ended up sitting in the line for an hour. It was freaking ridiculously hot and we had to sit there for the 15 minutes that it takes to get from land to Galveston in the heat because they won't let you have your car on. But after that it was basically smooth sailing! There wasn't very many lines that we had to wait in and we were on the boat and in our room by 3pm! We walked around a bit and then went to our lifejacket meeting. Afterwards, we walked around a bit more and then went to our dinner. We ended up sitting with two other Newly Weds that were our age so it was really nice to have people that had stuff in common with us at our table. After that we went to some kind of Cigar Aficionado thing which was kind of dumb since I don't even know how to smoke cigars before we hung out with one of the couple's from our table and then went to bed.

Monday, August 13, 2007: Well, I started my period on this day ... how shitty is that? I've had trouble with it the past few months and my cycle was getting up to about 47 days ... but not during the honeymoon! It was right back on a 28 day cycle ... sucks! Besides that, we went to this cocktail seminar where we payed 10 dollars for what was supposed to be 4 mixed drinks but ended up being about 12 a piece! Needless to say ... we were decently intoxicated. But being young ... some of us just didn't know when to stop. So we stopped off at the bar after the seminar and had a couple of other drinks and a shot of tequila (Patron). Well, that was the killer ... Marisa (one of the girls from our table) started puking basically like in her hand and had to run to their room ... and Aaron started not feeling too well at all. I totally held my liqueur!! But that's only because I'm awesome! So Aaron didn't make it to dinner that night ... and it was formal night that I had to attend by myself. But it was still okay because the people at our table were nice. The couple that we had went to the cocktail seminar with actually made it ... but they weren't doing so well either! I ended up just going back to the room and watching some tv while Aaron slept away his drunken yuckiness!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007: Our "THREE YEAR" Anniversary!! We also landed in Cozumel this day. Last time Aaron went, they were dropped off right by Carlos and Charlie's but this time we were dropped off in this area that JUST had shops and it was freaking sucky. We basically got raped for our money ... but I did get a pretty ring!! We both were really looking forward to Cozumel but we weren't all that happy with it afterwards. We would have had to get a taxi to go to Carlos and Charlie's and there was no way that I was going to get in a taxi in a country that I didn't speak the language. We ended up going back on the ship early and hanging out in the hot tub area for a while because there wasn't very many people on the boat. The normal stuff after that ... hanging out and going to eat and then going back to the room for bed. We would have stayed out more but the boat was REALLY rocking for some reason the first few days so we had to take some of those sickness meds which made us both really tired.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007: Today we went to Rhoatan, Honduras. We were both really weary about the place at first because we didn't know much about it, but it was definitely our favorite spot. We went to this Pirates, Parrots, and Monkey's thing which was the coolest thing EVER!! I've never got to touch a monkey, better yet have one crawl all over me ... but it was definitely a VERY cool experience!! We also got a tour of the place and it was absolutely beautiful! I would like to go back there for a week ... it was totally worth it. We didn't really shop or anything in Rhoatan because we were still feeling the holes in our pockets from Cozumel. We came back to the boat and took a nap because we had walked around in the sun a lot that day and it was going to be a yummy dinner that night so we wanted to be rested!! We went to one of the shows that night ... but it was kind of corny ... and then we went to dinner. The boat was still rocking pretty rough (I'm guessing because of the tropical storm that was in front of us) so we just went back to the room and passed out.

Thursday, August 16, 2007: We were supposed to stop is Costa Maya but when we got there the water was so choppy that the captain didn't think it safe to dock. He said that the boat could have bumped into the dock and all of that ... and no one wants to be stranded!! So we ended up having another cruise day. It was pretty cool because they were finally able to slow the boat down enough for it to stop rocking so badly. We were really able to enjoy ourselves this day! We went and did some trivia games and played bingo. The food was once again awesome ... I'm pretty sure that I gained some serious weight while I was on the trip ... but I refuse to look at my scale to find out!!

Friday, August 17, 2007: We docked in Progresso which was my next favorite place! We got a free shuttle from the boat to the beach and were able to just chill out on the beach for the day! It was lovely!! The water was gorgeous and we had a little table and everything. The only thing that sucked about it was all of the people that kept coming up and trying to sell stuff. It was crazy ... like they even had BABIES (like 2-3) trying to sell stuff. We also went shopping here for souvenirs and hung out basically all day in Progresso. (We were docked for nearly 12 hours since we didn't get to stop in Costa Maya the day before) That night after dinner we walked around and I did Kamikaze Karaoke which was really cool. You didn't get to pick your song you just had to hope that you knew it. I like to think that I did pretty well :)

Saturday, August 18, 2007: It was another cruise day ... but I just sat in the room all day. I played DS for a while and then I went to sleep for a bit. I wanted to get a lot of rest before I started school on Monday!! Aaron sat out by the pool all day, when he came back we got ready for dinner and then packed up all of our clothes. After dinner that night we watched Shrek 3 in our room and then went to sleep because we had to wake up really early on Sunday so that we could do early departure.

Sunday, August 19, 2007: We were off the boat by 8am and on the road. We stopped by Loren (Aaron's sister's house) to pick up some of our stuff and then we went the rest of the way home and started hauling stuff up the three flights of stairs. Then my grandpa showed up a bit later with more of our gifts and all of that ... so more going up and down the stairs!! We unpacked our stuff and washed clothes ... then I got all of my stuff ready for school to start and tried to watch the shows that I needed to watch on our DVR. I didn't got to bed that night until like 2:30 or something ... I guess just because I was really excited about school the next day or something ... because I should have been freaking exhausted!!

So there you go guys ... not very exciting really ... but Aaron and I definitely enjoyed ourselves! We are also enjoying ourselves ever since!! Things have been going perfect ... no arguments or anything like that! We've been pretty freaking busy though ... trying to take things back and going different places on the weekend, etc etc. Plus with all the homework that I have ... yeah!! So, I'm sorry that I have not posted in a while ... but I'll try my hardest to get back in the groove!!

Stay tuned for my Halloween Review!!!

Finally some Wedding Updates!

Hey guys! I know that everyone has missed the blogs of your dear ol friend Rachel ... so I'm back with a brand new addition!

Thursday, August 9, 2007: Aaron worked all night on Wednesday night, so as soon as he got home Thursday morning (at around 6:55) we loaded up the car, drove to Loren's house to pick her and Reese up, and headed back to Orange/Nederland.

We went by my grandpa's house so that we could pick up the M.D. Anderson cards and my veil and the programs before heading over to Aaron's parent's house. Once we got there, Aaron went to sleep and Loren and I went to tan, get our rings cleaned, to Walmart to pick up some things for the Bridal Brunch the next morning, and finally out to Beaumont to pick up my wedding dress!!!!

Once we got back to the house, Audrey (Aaron's younger sister) had made it to the house and we all hung out while we tied ribbons on programs and folded some of the M.D. Anderson cards. We went to drop some things off at the rehearsal dinner site so that the ladies would decorate it for Friday and it was there that I got my first slice of bad news. Christy, one of my beautiful bridesmaids, hadn't been feeling to well all week. She had some kind of sickness that caused these really bad sores and ulcers on the inside of her mouth along with fever. She had seemed to be feeling better, but by Thursday she had started running a horrible temperature (104) and the doctor said that she was going to be sick for a while ... and that she was extremely contagious. Therefore, she was not going to be able to drive from Austin to Orange for the wedding. I was not upset about not having a bridesmaid because I know how bad she was feeling. The only thing that I was upset about was not having one of my best friends there to see the wedding. There were a lot of tears on the phone that day! ((Update: Christy is much better now ... back to her own awesome self!))

So, we went back over to the house to finish all the program tying and all of that and I tried to figure out a few different scenarios to play out for the wedding. Aaron went to pick up his tuxes and all of the tuxes were too big/small or weird. So they had to be altered that night and picked up sometime on Friday. Little things like that were frustrating ... especially when it came to Aaron's tux because we have had Aaron measured numerous times for just these instances!

I couldn't sleep at all that night. Aaron got a bed because I knew that he was still exhausted from staying up for so long. Loren went to bed with Reese and I had Audrey's dog Libby with me as well, so that wasn't working out because they kept wanting to play while Loren and I were trying to sleep in a double bed. So, I ended up getting up and getting online for a bit ... then falling asleep for an hour on the couch in the computer room. When I woke up around 2am, I felt gross! I apparently had chewed on the side of my tongue in my sleep, and my knee was hurting from having it in an odd position. I got back up and read a bit and then went to sleep on the couch in the living room because it was slightly bigger than the other around 4am. Well, then people started getting up around 6 am ... so I went back into Audrey's room after Loren got out of bed and went to sleep for a couple of hours before we had to wake up and go down to the church to set things up for the reception!

Friday, August 10, 2007: We only had three hours to set up, so I asked as many people that could help to come. We had a good turn out and actually got finished EXACTLY at noon! But not without a few problems ...

We ordered some chair covers and the place that we rented them from wasn't going to be open until 10 am that morning. We needed them for 9am so that we could start getting things together and putting the chair covers on as soon as possible because that would take the longest time. So my grandpa went to pick them up Thursday after 4:30 so that we would have them ready to go. Well, we started taking them out of the boxes and some of them REEKED of mildew. It ended up being about 30 of the 200 that we requested. I was very upset because this was a serious problem, people couldn't even walk by these tables without catching a whiff of that smell and being grossed out. So, I called the lady ... at first she tried to tell me that it was impossible because all of those chair covers were NEW and that they've never been used. Finally, I was like "Oh really, because a couple of them still have chocolate stains on them ...." Then she's like "OHHHH Those chair covers!!" -Collective Eye Roll Everyone- So after talking with a few different people we arranged for my grandpa to bring those back ... then they would wash them and iron them and dry them that night and bring them back to us the next morning and put them on. So it all ended up working out ... but for a while I thought that they weren't going to put them on for us the next day and I was about to get a little Bridezilla on them!

After we finished up the reception hall ... we went back to the house and hung out. We wrapped all the presents for our bridal party and the Parent's etc. Then everyone started taking showers to get ready for the rehearsal.

The rehearsal flowed very well! We ended up having each of the girls walk half way down the aisle and have all the guys (except Cory who stayed next to Aaron the whole time) come and meet them half way and walk them to their spot. It worked out perfectly since we were missing dear Christy. I had my cousin stand in for me ... which was kind of weird because my Aunt kept saying that she wanted to see Aaron and Katy kiss. Afterwards Aaron was like, "I love how your Aunt kept trying to hook me up with your cousin." Haha. Then we went off to the rehearsal dinner! It was absolutely FANTASTIC! It was decorated Sooooo nice! We had a pasta bar and Salad and chocolate cake, plus we also had beer and wine! We ate and visited, I read Aaron the poem that I was going to read to him ... and he said an impromptu speech which was really really lovely! Through out the night different people did toasts for us, and it was all sooo sweet! All of his family kept saying that they knew the first time that they met me that Aaron was going to marry me! My aunt even got up and said how proud she was of me and how hard my life had been and how lucky I was to have such a great family to be marrying into. It was a really great time!!

Afterwards, I think a few of the bridesmaids (Mainly Jenifer) thought that we were going to be going home and going to bed ... but she doesn't know how the Allen's party!! We went back to the house and drank some more wine and beer, listened to music, danced around, laughed and joked, etc etc.
Finally, I had to go to bed at Midnight so that I wouldn't see Aaron anymore ... but I'm almost certain that he stayed up until around 5 am hanging out with his cousins! Lucky!!!

Saturday, August 11, 2007, Wedding Day!!: I woke up around 5 am, ended up throwing up some yucky phlegm type stuff (did I mention that I was pretty gross and coughy?) and took some sinus medicine before laying back down until around 7am. Then we woke up for good ... got ready and headed to the salon to get our "Hair did." Aaron's mom and Aunt Joanie brought some donuts and kolaches, plus some awesome fruit and dips and stuff so that we could eat that morning! I wasn't nervous at ALL! I had a really good time just hanging out and enjoying ourselves. Finally a little after 11 we headed over to the church. That was only a slight bother because I really like to be places on time and we didn't get to the church until 11. The girls were kind of running behind on people's hair and we were kind of running behind on makeup. Things like that happen though ... so it wasn't that big of a deal. Once we got there we kind of hung out for a bit waiting for all the girls to get there. I let them all read the notes that I wrote them in the programs and then we started getting ready! Once I got my dress on and all of that was when it really started to hit me and I kind of started crying a bit. Definitely happy tears ... but still! Also, seeing my PawPaw made me tear up a bit as well! We hurried up and finished getting ready and then went and took pictures with the bridesmaids and myself. Jessica (MoH) went to give Aaron his gift and then Colton (my brother) brought back my gift from him. I gave him a Swatch Watch which is very light weight and thin and he really likes it. He gave me 1/4 carat diamond earrings! I absolutely LOVE them because my ears are VERY sensitive and these don't hurt them at all! I don't even have to take them out when I go to sleep! I wish that I would have had "real" earrings all along ... then I would probably still have my second and third holes! Oh well though. Anyway ... then we took pictures with the Groomsmen and myself. After that I disappeared back into the prayer room and Aaron took pictures with his groomsmen and then the bridesmaids. Once all the pictures were taken it was only about 20 minutes before the wedding began!!

The music started playing ... and everyone left the room so that they could walk down the aisle and I had a little time by myself. I said a little prayer, Thanking God for everything that he had blessed me with ... and then hoped that my Mom and Grandma were watching. Finally, I stepped out (camera in hand) and got ready to walk down the aisle. Just as my music started to play ... I pulled the camera out from behind my bouquet and snapped a picture of My grandpa and I ((The picture that is on top of this entry)) and then I handed the camera off to Aaron's sister and we made our way down the aisle!

Aaron was crying by the time we got down there because his dad had started crying. He gave my grandpa big hug before taking my hand and leading me up to the alter. Everything turned out BEAUTIFUL! I couldn't have asked for a better wedding! Things went smoothly and there was no problems! After the wedding, we took pictures in a quick manner and then headed over to the reception to start the party!!!

Reception: The bridal party entered to the song "Final Countdown" from Rocky ... and Aaron and I came down to 2001: A Space Odyssey! Everyone got a big kick out of that! Then we immediately went into our first dance, which Aaron's cousin Josh sang the song for us. It was BEAUTIFUL!! Then we opened up the food lines and Aaron and I got a plate and sat down at our private table. The line ended up snaking around us, so it was kind of hard to eat because people kept coming up to us saying congrats and asking where we were going for the honeymoon and all of that stuff. But it worked out because we wanted to make sure that we were able to talk to everyone ... and we did! After people ate, we cut the cake and then did the toasts. Cory's toast was very humorous and Jessica's toast was basically the best thing ever. I have a copy of it ... but it's at my grandpa's house ... so the next time I go by there, I'll get it and post it on here so that everyone can see how amazing it was! I was basically bawling my eyes out by the end of it. After that, we did the Father/Daughter and Mother/Son dances and then opened up the dance floor. We had a GREAT time! A lot of people were dancing ... we were getting pretty crazy!! There are TONS of pictures of me breaking it down ... so make sure you guys check out the site (I'll give the links at the bottom of this)

Around 6:30 ... the Limo arrived and we were pelted with flowers before getting in and making our getaway!! We went back to the hotel EXHAUSTED! But I was starving ... so we ended up having to run across the street to Pappadeaux's in our wedding attire. By this time the hook and eye on the back of my dress had come off and my zipper wasn't staying up anymore. It was pretty funny!!

I'll post later about how awesome the honeymoon was ... but this long ass post should hold you guys off for a while!

Also ... check out the wedding pictures!!!

Mandy Bonds
Click Clients
Weddings
Rachel & Aaron
The PW is August 11 (exactly like that)

ENJOY!!! (I'll also post some pictures that we have up above this post!!

I carry your heart with me

Okay, for those of you that have seen "In Her Shoes" then you know what this poem is ... luckily Aaron has NOT seen "In Her Shoes" and therefore ... this poem will be totally new to him and he will hopefully thoroughly enjoy it when I read it during the rehearsal dinner.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear, and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-- e. e. cummings

I can barely get through it without crying ... and I know that when I'm actually looking at Aaron's face I'm REALLY going to cry ... but I think that it's going to be fantastic!

Thoughts anyone?

Contemplations

So, officially ... I have finished the Harry Potter series. But I am not saddened by this, because like any great thing, it will live on forever. As I mentioned before in a previous blog, even though the books are officially over with ... there is still two more movies left ... and by that time hopefully an entirely new generation will discover what Harry has in store for them.

I will not talk about the book any further at this moment, because I don't want to ruin it for others. Instead ... I wanted to discuss the ideas and thoughts that this book has made me realize in the short time that it took me to read it.

This might sound stupid ... and if it does ... just stop reading ... but this series, especially this last book, has changed my outlook on a lot of things. Love really does "conquer all" and it probably isn't even in the way that you think or want it to be. The past ten years, I have felt bonded to these characters ... as if I have experienced exactly what they have. And in short I have.

Loss, Love, Grief, Friendship, Acceptance ... everyone has experienced these things. And that my friends is what makes an amazing protagonist. Give me someone that I can relate too ... and I'll love you forever.

I encourage those of you have that not read the series to do so. I encourage those that have to read them again. And I encourage any writer's out there to get to writing ... because now I have nothing to read!